thank you for making my day

husband.

there's nothing sweeter to hear post partum than when your husband looks at you and says, "you really look just about like you did before you had the baby. i can really tell."

this is even better b\c i haven't stepped on a scale in almost 6 weeks

it may not be much, but it made me melt!

Week 5

here i am with mommy. she feels like she looks like one of the girls on 16 and pregnant

here i am with daddy and his cool mug from uncle chris. very funny!

here i am smiling for my 1 month pictures that mommy & daddy took! isn't my sweater handsome?

We just wrapped up week 5, and things are pretty much still the same. Ian is currently screaming it out in his pack & play while i give him the 5 minutes of "calm down time" before i go reinsert the paci and we start this all over again. he's still having trouble with afternoon naps, so i am beginning to wonder if he's just a cat napper, or if this is just a phase. we'll see. but first, i must reinsert the paci because my dog is probably about to have a stroke. we didn't know this, but apparently he's the only one in this house who is allowed to cry...

ah, victory, but we'll see for how long. anyway, week 5. Ian becomes more and more alert as the days go by- all part of his not wanting to miss anything (i think he gets that from me). well, he was asleep, but dad came home and woke him up by clanging around. thanks dad.

also this week Ian has started to smile more often. i'm starting to think he actually may like the two of us! no laughs yet, but he's getting there as he smiles are bigger and more often!

Ian also turned a month old on Saturday, and came down with his first cold, courtesy of mommy (so much for those antibodies in breastmilk helping him to fight off colds)... that led Ian to his first time sleeping through the night! of course, it hasn't happened since then, but he has been putting up numbers of anywhere between 3-5 hours, which is really good. it means we've dropped at least 1 feeding at night, and we'll only be sleeping longer from there.

on tuesday, Ian had his 1 month check up. can i just say i'm good? i predicted Ian's weight exactly- 8 lbs, 4 oz. still a pretty small guy, but growing! 20.75 in. as well. 25% in each- so he's a well proportioned baby! next month we go for shots, but everything checked out! i knew it, he's perfect...

that pretty much leads us up to now- we're in the beginning of week 6. we'll see what it holds for us. mommy knows it holds her post-partum appointment, and she isn't looking forward to that, or being cleared to go back to work. darn you, America and your work-centric culture!

i've got the blues

no, i'm not here to talk about kraft macaroni & cheese, but something a little more serious: the baby blues and ppd (postpartum depression).

i've always said in my blog that i would be completely honest about pregnancy and beyond. my intention was never to sugar-coat it b\c you hear a lot of "oh, it's so easy and wonderful, and etc." yes. it's wonderful- the most wonderful thing ever to happen to me, but no part of it has been a cake walk- it's an every day learning experience both pregnancy and motherhood. and i don't expect on my next go-round that it will be any easier as every pregnancy and child is different. i was a nanny before i was a mother. a nanny to an infant- from birth to 7 months of age this child was my responsibility while his parents were at work. yes, i had a lot of practice, and yes, some things i knew how to do ahead of time, but it definitely didn't make it any easier.

the baby blues and ppd was something i had long heard about. we all remember tom cruise telling matt lauer not to "be so glib." this was all over cruise's criticism of brooke shields for taking paxil for ppd. i was always afraid i was going to end up with some debilitating case of ppd because i'm so emotional. you hear those stories about women who kill their children and it terrifies you. you think, "why on earth didn't they talk to their Dr. about this?" i mean, i received enough literature about ppd during my pregnancy- you know the signs, but at the same time i wondered, "if something was wrong with me, would i be able to get help?"

i feel lucky. i'm almost 6 weeks out, and i think i can say i'm out of the ppd zone although you can show symptoms for any time up to a year. i will say if i've made it this far, i think, and i hope i can do it!

i think going to my group weekly really helps. moving here has been hard, i don't really have any friends, ok, i don't have any friends. my husband says i have his friends, but i'm not sure that a bunch of almost 30 year old single males really identify with me... only one of them has a girlfriend, and we don't see them as often as we used to, so the one girl friend i do have i don't see often (though i will say she often checks on me via facebook and it makes my day). being as though i was a nanny before, continuing that career path wouldn't have helped because you have no co-workers. target has been a complete bust. it's probably the cliquiest (is that a word, doubtful) place i've ever worked for. getting "in" with anyone my age has been impossible. hell, getting anyone my age there to even speak to me was impossible the 1st several months i worked there. i felt like Hester Prynne and i'm married. although i've discovered through working there that everyone is either older than me or way younger than me (read: college age). i'm just the old pregnant girl i guess.

so i started going to the breastfeeding support group that my hospital sponsors. it's run by a nurse, and usually a couple lactation consultants show up. there's no structure to it. we sit in a circle on the floor w\ our babies (newborns to over a year) and there's just general conversation. you can talk about anything and join in on any conversation. and although i haven't found myself exchanging numbers with anyone yet, the fact that there are other women close to my age that know what i'm going through and are actually going through it is just fabulous. i think that ability to leave the house once a week to socialize is really helpful!

so the baby blues. started the day Ian was born. i cried, at night, for no reason. this continued for the next several nights. sometimes i was sad- would i be a good mother, would my husband love me the same. sometimes i was happy- "i just love him so much" i would boo hoo while staring at him. my husband would be like, "why are you crying?" and i would just boo hoo, "i don't knoooowwww." it always seemed silly to me, and never serious, but it happened. i had a few other baby-related meltdowns in the following weeks- (of course i say "weeks" and this is the beginning of week 6, although it feels like he should be about a year old) baby would eat and still cry, baby would cry while eating, baby would want to eat what seemed like all the time. i would cry for about 2 minutes, and then i'd be ok. or i'd lay in the dark after we went to bed and cry for a while. there was no rhyme or reason, but one day, it just stopped. hormones are a fickle thing, and now they are on to ravaging other parts of my body and psyche.

i say all this (did i even say anything) to say that whether you are dealing with the blues, or something a little more serious that it helps to have a wonderful support system in your spouse, friends and family. and if that doesn't help- don't hesitate to call your doctor. he or she got you through 40 weeks (give or take) gestation, and they'll help get you through this too! regardless of all the havoc your hormones may wreak on your body- the price you pay- your baby makes it all totally worth it!

Letters to my son

dearest ian:

i promise if you would just take a nap you would feel better and there would be no reason to cry. believe me.

love always,

mommy

ps. it would help tremendously with my abilities to cook dinner.

things i've learned about motherhood #179

once you change baby's diaper he will immediately soil the new one, making it to where you must change them again because baby needs a clean diaper to do his business in.

he will also do this once you have him swaddled and in his bed

silly baby

things i've learned about motherhood #109

you will cry almost as much as your baby does. don't worry, it just means you're still human, and you're still sane

Weeks 3 and 4- now with pictures!

yes, I am behind. baby will actually be 4 weeks tomorrow, which starts week 5, so i am way, way behind. i'm tired people.

plus we're behind on putting pictures up, so I don't have anything to put with this post! if you see this and there are no pictures, check back later b\c we have some really good ones from the last couple weeks!

things have been crazy around here. saturday we celebrated valentine's day. dave's friend chuck gave us tickets to see the thrashers (atlanta's hockey team) play the blackhawks (the local team). we had thai food, and headed to the game- the thrashers stink, so they lost (although they should've won, and they lost in a shoot out). back to the thai food- i have been craving it for quite some time, but we didn't know of a good one around here- dave found one however, and it was delicious. i also discovered that i could have drink without having to "pump & dump" (look at me, all speaking mom-ese), so i decided one drink would be ok. or not.

1. if you haven't drank in over 10 months, you should probably have something light- like a wine cooler. i however love margaritas, and i wanted one. i ordered one, and i was hammered half way through dinner and the drink wasn't even half gone. this reminds me of the time we went with our friends Jess and Jay to this yummy place (you should go if you live in Atlanta because i can't) and had margaritas (just one) while waiting on dinner. also, hammered half way through dinner. can you tell i'm a lightweight who doesn't drink very often...

2. apparently you can have a hangover before you even go to sleep. i had one by the time we left the restaurant. it stayed with me during the entire hockey game...

we had fun on our little date- i cried when we left Ian at my in laws, but it was nice to be just us, although we were ready to get back to him!

sunday was even crazier- Dave's gma is very sick, so we went to see her after Dave's hockey game (they won!)- it was a 2.5 hour drive down to Lincoln. we were exhausted, baby slept the entire time- it works out that way!

week 3 & 4 have been thrilling! Ian is showing more and more alertness during his wake time, he is holding his head up during tummy time, AND....

he smiled at us (i cried, imagine that)! he's been a very serious baby so far (i guess they all are), but when he finally smiled at us, it just melted my heart. he smiled at Dave and me separately, so at least we know he likes both of us...

he has finally outgrown his preemie clothes, but we are still in newborn clothes, and still being swallowed in some of them!

he's also giving me a little trouble at nap time. not wanting to go down to sleep so easily anymore. nights are ok, it's just daytime naps. this is just a phase...

next week is ian's one month appointment- i'm predicting a weight around 8 lbs. we'll see.

meeting great-grandma Eloise for the first time. this is the first of my 3 great-grandma's that i've met.

not enjoying being taken out of my warm bath!!

not so sure i like bathtime

this is what happens when daddy is around at picture time

things i've learned about motherhood #65

the recovery from childbirth is way worse than childbirth itself.

or maybe i'm just a wimp. anyway, it'd be nice to be able to sit for more than a few minutes again... guess that's why you get 6 weeks maternity leave.

oh, i yearn for you pre-baby body

i guess i expect giving birth to be some miracle- my body will heal quickly and i'll be in no pain, i'll lose 800 lbs and be thinner than i was before i got pregnant, and i'll be able to wear my "real" clothes again. riiiiiiiiiight. so, let's just say i'm more than tired of my maternity clothes- the pants with panels are too loose, and my non-maternity pants are way too tight. Just like my baby, when it comes to clothes, i'm stuck in "no man's land."

i gained 45 lbs while pregnant- yikes. let's just say that was all my fault- i craved pizza, pasta and candy while pregnant- not good. i weighed more than my husband- it was really sad. our scale doesn't work here at home, and they didn't weigh me in the hospital, so my best guess is that i've lost about 15-20 lbs. my face is definitely smaller, my belly- obviously. it seems other than the baby belly though that i'm carrying all my leftover weight between my knees and my hips- awesome. like all those years of dancing didn't give me big enough thighs... i'm also apparently carrying lots of weight in my fingers- as i have yet to get my wedding or engagement ring back on my hand. ::sigh::

so i've been shopping a few times- i don't fit into my former size pants currently, and i don't fit into the next size up either- i decided to stop there... tops though- oh, i can fit into tops all day long! squeeeeeee! so i have a closet full of new tops that are filling my heart with joy- and once i figure out how to successfully nurse wearing regular clothes- they will all be making an appearance on my body!

i'm always on the lookout for new things though- sometimes just looking is nice- even if you can't have it. prime example is the subscription i've had to Lucky for 5 years or so. the editors and staff at Lucky must think we can all afford designer wardrobes, and from the looks of it, most of them can. unfortunately i cannot pay $3,000 for a dress, let alone $300- heck, I can't pay $100 for a dress these days. woe is me... however i've become a darn good looker and an even better bargain shopper.

so i was thumbing through the pages of this month's Lucky when i saw this adorable cardigan in the front. i didn't get my hopes up, as most of what i like in there ends up being way out of my price range... BUT my faith in affordable, adorable clothing was restored when i saw that the cardigan was not only designer-made, but affordable and available at h&m!!


so cute!! i love that it's so springy with the pastels, and girly with the bows, and i might even say it's a touch parisian- it is made by a french designer after all! i can't wait until the line hits h&m next week- i will be figuring out how to take baby to the hellhole that is woodfield mall where i will make the cardigan mine, all mine.

now what do i wear with it?! i just don't have the knack for putting together outfits like you guys do. help!

things i've learned about motherhood #11

once baby is down for a nap, and has been quiet for about 10 minutes you will decide to try and fall back asleep yourself- you will get yourself tucked in and you will almost be asleep, and that's when baby spits out his pacifier and screams his head off. this may happen a few times...

:)

things i have learned about motherhood #1

i have the smartest, cutest, sweetest, funniest baby ever.

indubitably.

Week 2

I'm still sleeping a lot...

Got your tickets to the gun show?


I either look like i'm perfecting some dance moves, or like a little monkey!

I cannot believe it's been 2 weeks already. You went back to the Dr. and you're up to 6 lbs 9 oz. Still not fitting into your NB clothes, but you were too big, or should I say, long, for most of the preemie clothes we bought you!! You are sleeping a lot, and you are finally starting to get this eating thing down- and mommy is getting the feeding thing down- although it caused both of us our fair share of tears in the beginning. You are doing well at tummy time, although you really don't like it much, and you're getting into a good pattern, and sometimes, sometimes sleeping in a 5 hour stretch at night! You're also more alert during your waketime. You do all sorts of cute things- oh, who am I kidding, everything you do is cute!!

delivery regrets

Ok, so if I didn't make it clear- I really enjoyed labor & delivery once it was all over with. It took me going through that to realize how awesome women really are- for me to realize how awesome I am! Of course, having my husband tell me 1000 times how awesome I was helped a little bit too. I truly believe that God built women for a purpose- and that unique purpose is to have little babies. I think I even understood where Michelle Duggar is coming from for about 30 seconds...

Anyway, enough tooting my own horn. So I have some things I regret about delivery, or I should say post delivery. I'm sure these things aren't a big deal, and there's no going back now, but it still makes me sad.

1. We didn't take a picture of baby right when he came out- in that first moment where he was laying on my chest, and I had forgotten where I was, who I was, and what year it was. He came out pretty fast since Dr. Uma had to use the vaccuum for delivery, and our first thought was not to grab the camera and start snapping away- although I wish we had thought about it. In fact, I think I snapped back to reality first once they took baby to be weighed and washed- all I remember saying was "camera, pictures."

2. There are no pictures of our family in the hospital. By family I mean Dave, Baby and myself. Everyone was so wrapped up in baby and taking pictures of themselves with baby- i think they forgot who baby belonged to. We had an opportunity for pictures with the company that took the in-hospital baby pictures- but I had just been in the hospital for over 24 hours and 16 hours of that was labor/delivery- i felt like hell, and I felt like I looked like hell. I told the girl no. Oops.

I guess those aren't big things-I know the pictures won't replace the very clear and at the same time very hazy memories of Baby's birth, and if those are my only regrets, I think I can say that things went perfectly!

6 more weeks

of winter. And just to make sure we knew that he wasn't lying-- it's been snowing since midnight.

::sigh:: oh, to be back in Atlanta with an early spring