this all started on saturday evening, which was a lot like the previous saturday evening...
we have recently moved ian's bedtime back to where it will probably stay for the next couple years- the 7 o'clock hour. this is nice b\c hubby & i finally have more time together- although we miss ian while he's asleep. of course, it means we are confined to the house- and being that i am already here all day long- it doesn't make me happy.
the last 2 weekends in a row, i have found myself crying, and dare i say this as a new mother- resenting my child a bit. Lord knows, i wouldn't trade him for the world, but between not getting to leave the house, and feeling fat all the time, a little resentment has crept into my heart. it hurts me just to say that. here was the situation:
last weekend we went to germanfest. around 8:30- ian was really fussy, so we gave him his bottle, which meant bedtime was soon to follow. plus the place was packed- and we were idiots who brought a stroller- and had to navigate through the crowds in the stroller- not fun. so i was on edge when we got inside, and upset about how i felt like we couldn't do anything with ian, etc.
cut to this week. our friend israel turns 30 this week and was having a bday party w\ some other friends. ian slept until after 5, and the party was 45 minutes away. i had thrown in the towel on going and was crying and feeling sorry for myself because i'm a slave to my own house and i can't do anything b\c of ian. we decided to go anyway after lots of convincing from husband- so we didn't get to crystal lake until after 7 or so. ian actually did really well b\c he had taken a later nap- but then the mosquitoes started biting, and you just can't have your baby eaten up by mosquitoes. we were positioned right next to the off candle and covered w\ bug spray, but that wasn't cutting it. so we had to give ian his bottle, and get on the road- and that's where the fun began...
first- i told husband i thought a mosquito bit me through the back of my pants' leg, which he said was impossible. turns out we were both wrong- i got 5 mosquito bites through the back of my pants' leg.
second- i have a mosquito bite on the top of my foot that is swollen, and as big around as a golf ball. i'm seriously beginning to wonder if it was really a mosquito.
third- we arrived home around 10 o'clock to find that we couldn't get our garage to open any higher than an inch. after several tries we figured it's best not to break it. we tried to get into the front door- but our door has a hotel-style latch that can't be opened from the outside. our backdoor had all 3 of its locks locked and we have 1 window on ground level- by the front door. we tried to finagle our way in the front door, but about 5 minutes later, i was on the phone w\ the landlord and ian was screaming. we ended up having to drive over to the in-law's to stay the night. we had only a onesie and 2 extra diapers- and nothing for us. oh, and our dogs- inside.
fourth- because of this disaster, ian didn't fall asleep until after midnight, and decided to wake up before 6! so. tired.
fifth. alberto contador won le tour de france, again. seriously. i can't stand that guy.
so, looking at it now, it wasn't as bad as i made it out to be, but i'm really sad about my whole "resentment." i don't resent my son. i couldn't love anyone more than i love him, and i can't imagine my life without him. i think i've had some serious cabin fever and just needed to get out, but it's so hard to get out w\ him, especially in the evenings now that he goes to bed so early. it's even worse that since we've moved up here, we rarely see anyone- i feel like husband's friends treat us like we have the plague because we have a baby- it just makes me want to be in atlanta even more. we also don't know anyone to babysit- and i'd hate to constantly ask the in-law's to give up their evenings to watch him. it's definitely brought us to one conclusion: #11 from my 30 before thirty has got to start happening asap. i've got to get out of the house- without baby.
other mommies out there- ever felt anything like this? you can either comfort me, or make me feel worse!
here's to soon to begin date nights!
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I wish I could comfort you on this, but we're in the same boat. My guy goes to bed 7/7:30, and then I make dinner for the hubs and I and we watch a movie or some TV. I don't go out unless it's during the day. Although, about every couple weeks I will go to Michael's Crafts or to the bookstore at 8 pm, by myself, after the babe has gone to bed, leave the hubs at home. It's kind of nice to get away by myself. I never take him out at night, we're in by 6:00 so I can do the dinner and bath routine for him. I'm sure I should be more adventerous and take him out, but I like it so much when he goes to bed on time and sleeps through the night, he needs his sleep and so do I! :)
ReplyDeleteIt can be tough to feel like you are stuck at home. I remember taking N to walk around a store or the mall just to get out of the house. It does get easier.
ReplyDeleteDate nights might also have to be a little different. Maybe picking up takeout and watching a movie at home while the kid(s) sleep... at least that is what we do sometimes. www.simplymodernmom.com is doing project 52, with a date night a week. She has some great creative ideas for dates at home. It isn't quite as much fun as getting out, but better than nothing!
I did this when Toby was really small - I loved him but hated what was happening to me as a result and it does unfortunately spill over. It's a really tough balancing act. We have it down pretty well now but it sucks when it rears its ugly head again (like yesterday being unable to enjoy my first visit to Quincy Market in Boston). It is natural it is normal - you love Ian right? It's just hard finding a balance especially when he's a particular sleeper. Don't feel bad it does get better as the sleep pattern settles down.
ReplyDeleteEveryone goes through this phase...it takes me weeks to plan a day for my pedicure.. sometimes it makes me go crazy too..
ReplyDeletei would ask you to do one thing.. just go out u and the hubs alone or just u,do something fun... i promise u will come back as a new person : )
aww, guys thanks. here, i thought i was totally alone- and you guys really lifted me up. i think sometimes mothers feel so guilty b\c they think they're the only ones who feel that way- they just need to know they aren't alone!
ReplyDeletedate nights are starting soon- i hope- but i have to start making more milk, so i can leave ian with someone!!