fml - weekend edition

the weekend was created for my enjoyment.  not for me to later want to stomp and forget it ever happened.  grr.

this all started on saturday evening, which was a lot like the previous saturday evening... 

we have recently moved ian's bedtime back to where it will probably stay for the next couple years- the 7 o'clock hour.  this is nice b\c hubby & i finally have more time together- although we miss ian while he's asleep.  of course, it means we are confined to the house- and being that i am already here all day long- it doesn't make me happy.

the last 2 weekends in a row, i have found myself crying, and dare i say this as a new mother- resenting my child a bit.  Lord knows, i wouldn't trade him for the world, but between not getting to leave the house, and feeling fat all the time, a little resentment has crept into my heart.  it hurts me just to say that.  here was the situation:

last weekend we went to germanfest.  around 8:30- ian was really fussy, so we gave him his bottle, which meant bedtime was soon to follow.  plus the place was packed- and we were idiots who brought a stroller- and had to navigate through the crowds in the stroller- not fun.  so i was on edge when we got inside, and upset about how i felt like we couldn't do anything with ian, etc. 

cut to this week.  our friend israel turns 30 this week and was having a bday party w\ some other friends.  ian slept until after 5, and the party was 45 minutes away.  i had thrown in the towel on going and was crying and feeling sorry for myself because i'm a slave to my own house and i can't do anything b\c of ian.  we decided to go anyway after lots of convincing from husband- so we didn't get to crystal lake until after 7 or so.  ian actually did really well b\c he had taken a later nap- but then the mosquitoes started biting, and you just can't have your baby eaten up by mosquitoes. we were positioned right next to the off candle and covered w\ bug spray, but that wasn't cutting it.  so we had to give ian his bottle, and get on the road- and that's where the fun began...

first- i told husband i thought a mosquito bit me through the back of my pants' leg, which he said was impossible.  turns out we were both wrong- i got 5 mosquito bites through the back of my pants' leg. 

second- i have a mosquito bite on the top of my foot that is swollen, and as big around as a golf ball.  i'm seriously beginning to wonder if it was really a mosquito. 

third- we arrived home around 10 o'clock to find that we couldn't get our garage to open any higher than an inch.  after several tries we figured it's best not to break it.  we tried to get into the front door- but our door has a hotel-style latch that can't be opened from the outside.  our backdoor had all 3 of its locks locked and we have 1 window on ground level- by the front door.  we tried to finagle our way in the front door, but about 5 minutes later, i was on the phone w\ the landlord and ian was screaming.  we ended up having to drive over to the in-law's to stay the night.  we had only a onesie and 2 extra diapers- and nothing for us.  oh, and our dogs- inside. 

fourth- because of this disaster, ian didn't fall asleep until after midnight, and decided to wake up before 6!  so.  tired.

fifth.  alberto contador won le tour de france, again.  seriously.  i can't stand that guy.

so, looking at it now, it wasn't as bad as i made it out to be, but i'm really sad about my whole "resentment."  i don't resent my son.  i couldn't love anyone more than i love him, and i can't imagine my life without him.  i think i've had some serious cabin fever and just needed to get out, but it's so hard to get out w\ him, especially in the evenings now that he goes to bed so early.  it's even worse that since we've moved up here, we rarely see anyone- i feel like husband's friends treat us like we have the plague because we have a baby- it just makes me want to be in atlanta even more.  we also don't know anyone to babysit- and i'd hate to constantly ask the in-law's to give up their evenings to watch him.  it's definitely brought us to one conclusion: #11 from my 30 before thirty has got to start happening asap.  i've got to get out of the house- without baby. 

other mommies out there- ever felt anything like this?  you can either comfort me, or make me feel worse!

here's to soon to begin date nights!

ugh

i have felt like a failure as a mom this week. i certainly hope that feeling is normal. i just have felt at some times this week that ian and i are not connecting, that he'd rather be with anyone but me. it's a sad, lonely feeling. i think part of it come from spending so much time with him, and not always having time for myself, but that's hard because i find it difficult to be away from him. he needs me, doesn't he? who can take care of him better than his mommy?

i am praying for peace this week- that the Lord will give me peace about when i am away from ian- that i don't feel guilty. that i can let go, and let others lend a hand. that i won't see ian's tears and believe that they're because of my shortcomings. Lord, please. give me peace.

i've got the blues

no, i'm not here to talk about kraft macaroni & cheese, but something a little more serious: the baby blues and ppd (postpartum depression).

i've always said in my blog that i would be completely honest about pregnancy and beyond. my intention was never to sugar-coat it b\c you hear a lot of "oh, it's so easy and wonderful, and etc." yes. it's wonderful- the most wonderful thing ever to happen to me, but no part of it has been a cake walk- it's an every day learning experience both pregnancy and motherhood. and i don't expect on my next go-round that it will be any easier as every pregnancy and child is different. i was a nanny before i was a mother. a nanny to an infant- from birth to 7 months of age this child was my responsibility while his parents were at work. yes, i had a lot of practice, and yes, some things i knew how to do ahead of time, but it definitely didn't make it any easier.

the baby blues and ppd was something i had long heard about. we all remember tom cruise telling matt lauer not to "be so glib." this was all over cruise's criticism of brooke shields for taking paxil for ppd. i was always afraid i was going to end up with some debilitating case of ppd because i'm so emotional. you hear those stories about women who kill their children and it terrifies you. you think, "why on earth didn't they talk to their Dr. about this?" i mean, i received enough literature about ppd during my pregnancy- you know the signs, but at the same time i wondered, "if something was wrong with me, would i be able to get help?"

i feel lucky. i'm almost 6 weeks out, and i think i can say i'm out of the ppd zone although you can show symptoms for any time up to a year. i will say if i've made it this far, i think, and i hope i can do it!

i think going to my group weekly really helps. moving here has been hard, i don't really have any friends, ok, i don't have any friends. my husband says i have his friends, but i'm not sure that a bunch of almost 30 year old single males really identify with me... only one of them has a girlfriend, and we don't see them as often as we used to, so the one girl friend i do have i don't see often (though i will say she often checks on me via facebook and it makes my day). being as though i was a nanny before, continuing that career path wouldn't have helped because you have no co-workers. target has been a complete bust. it's probably the cliquiest (is that a word, doubtful) place i've ever worked for. getting "in" with anyone my age has been impossible. hell, getting anyone my age there to even speak to me was impossible the 1st several months i worked there. i felt like Hester Prynne and i'm married. although i've discovered through working there that everyone is either older than me or way younger than me (read: college age). i'm just the old pregnant girl i guess.

so i started going to the breastfeeding support group that my hospital sponsors. it's run by a nurse, and usually a couple lactation consultants show up. there's no structure to it. we sit in a circle on the floor w\ our babies (newborns to over a year) and there's just general conversation. you can talk about anything and join in on any conversation. and although i haven't found myself exchanging numbers with anyone yet, the fact that there are other women close to my age that know what i'm going through and are actually going through it is just fabulous. i think that ability to leave the house once a week to socialize is really helpful!

so the baby blues. started the day Ian was born. i cried, at night, for no reason. this continued for the next several nights. sometimes i was sad- would i be a good mother, would my husband love me the same. sometimes i was happy- "i just love him so much" i would boo hoo while staring at him. my husband would be like, "why are you crying?" and i would just boo hoo, "i don't knoooowwww." it always seemed silly to me, and never serious, but it happened. i had a few other baby-related meltdowns in the following weeks- (of course i say "weeks" and this is the beginning of week 6, although it feels like he should be about a year old) baby would eat and still cry, baby would cry while eating, baby would want to eat what seemed like all the time. i would cry for about 2 minutes, and then i'd be ok. or i'd lay in the dark after we went to bed and cry for a while. there was no rhyme or reason, but one day, it just stopped. hormones are a fickle thing, and now they are on to ravaging other parts of my body and psyche.

i say all this (did i even say anything) to say that whether you are dealing with the blues, or something a little more serious that it helps to have a wonderful support system in your spouse, friends and family. and if that doesn't help- don't hesitate to call your doctor. he or she got you through 40 weeks (give or take) gestation, and they'll help get you through this too! regardless of all the havoc your hormones may wreak on your body- the price you pay- your baby makes it all totally worth it!