today is a depress-fest.  so feel free to come back another day.  

i feel like i'm at a really weird place in my life right now.  maybe it's the 2nd year of motherhood.  maybe it's turning 30.  maybe it's both.  i'm just at this weird conflicting time where everything i want is the opposite of what i want.  makes no sense, right?

first-  time is going by so quickly. i mean, it's already august for crying out loud.  i'm trying to avoid the #1 thought that's looming in my head- that another winter is around the corner.  i'm already thinking of winter.  i walked out of ian's room after putting him down for a nap this morning and i was crying, no, bawling.  all i could think about was him growing up and getting bigger and wondering if i would even remember little moments like rocking him to sleep when he was bigger.  i keep having these weird "flashback" moments.  where i think of my life in a flashback like they show in the movies.  last night we were watching a movie and i had one of those moments.  nothing like dumb vampire movies to make you think of your own mortality.  damn vampires.

i just feel really out of place everywhere.  i feel out of place with my friends from home- i've been gone over 2 years now.  i'm not a daily, weekly, or even monthly part of their lives anymore.  it's been 4 months since i've seen many of my friends- some- even longer than that.  it's no different here.  i feel really out of place here too.  we don't see many of our friends here either b\c we can't get out as much as we'd like.  we can't always stay out late, or find someone to watch ian.  hell, we can't even afford a babysitter.  we have fun hanging out w\ our friends, but sometimes in order to do that, we have to bring ian.  and it's never fun feeling like everyone is wondering why the heck you brought your baby with you.  i had a small group of friends up here, but i just don't feel very welcome there anymore.  i just feel really alone up here.  i feel like ian is pretty much my best friend these days.  we spend all of our days together- and most of that time, he just wants to play on his own without me- so even then i feel alone.  and there are those times i just want to get away from him, to have a break, to have some time to myself- but i feel myself rushing back because i missed him so much. 

we are continuing to have struggles with our finances.  every month it's some surprise bill.  we got a parking ticket when we were downtown last week, and this week we got a bill from our dentist because our insurance didn't cover everything they were supposed to. dave has applied for a countless number of jobs both within his company and outside of it, and nothing has panned out.  i'm just ready for a break.  they say when it rains it pours, and we have just been poured on in some way the last 30 months.  i'm ready for a break. 

it's really not all bad, but sometimes it just outweighs the good, and my heart just feels super heavy this morning- and just a lot lately.  i'm going home for a visit in 3 weeks.  maybe that's all i need.  ugh.  it's the vampires, i tell ya.